when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
