You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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