The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
