I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.