You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail