Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
