Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
