at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
