im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
