PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
