I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
