I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
