omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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