I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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