this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Enjoy the penises
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
