I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
