There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Found your dick twin last night
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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