your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
