I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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