His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
