i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
