We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
