There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
