and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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