I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
How's work?
Spinning.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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