I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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