I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My ATM looks so different sober.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
