I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
