do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
