My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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