I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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