Pants 0. Shit 1.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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