my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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