you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
