I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Please, let me fuck your mom
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize