my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
