My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
