Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
