If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So vagazzling was a success
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
