I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
