Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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