It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
