I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
