No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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