every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
