It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
