Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
