She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
