im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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