she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
