White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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