I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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