I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
