Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
