Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
