I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
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I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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