currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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