She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
