he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
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i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
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We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead