Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him