Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.