I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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