my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
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I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.