ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
